Before the Dark
by Shades of Ink
Summary: Your mother...' Professor Lupin sighed, walking to the other side of the bridge. 'Yes, I knew her.' ...A story of a hopeless love, inspired by the suggestively reminiscent PoA film scene. Three-shot.
1. Meeting

Author's Note: The inevitable result of watching "Prisoner of Azkaban" twice in one weekend, and listening to Coldplay's "The Scientist" during a ponder-ish moment.

What ensues? A romance/angst. Oh, the drama.  
  
Kloves/Rowling definitely put that line/scene in the movie for a purpose. My depressing interpretation...

...  
  
Before the Dark

...  
  
September 1, 1971

...  
  
"You look like hell."  
  
I concluded there was no rational way to reply to a statement as outspoken as that. I'd already learned their names, but hardly knew them well enough to discern whether or not they were always this honest.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Thank you," I managed to say dryly.  
  
Getting the hint, Sirius shut his mouth.  
  
"You are in deep trouble, my friend," James said warily to Sirius. I wondered how they could consider themselves friends after what must have been only a few hours on a train.  
  
"How so?" Sirius asked, rather casually.  
  
"Well, isn't it obvious?" James said, laughing. "You're a Black, aren't you?"  
  
"Not so much."  
  
"I see."  
  
"What's going on?" Peter squeaked, in fear that there was something going on beyond his knowledge.  
  
"Did you miss the Sorting? He's in Gryffindor, the idiot."  
  
"Is that bad?" I asked uncertainly. "I mean - we're all in Gryffindor."  
  
"Yes, but didn't you notice how many Blacks are really at this school?"  
  
"Only two besides me," Sirius said defensively.  
  
"Well, they're not the first, are they?"  
  
I frowned. "What's that got to do with - "  
  
"They're all in Slytherin," Sirius explained nonchalantly, examining his fingernails.  
  
There didn't seem to be any connection in my mind, though I knew I must have been missing something. "Why's that bad?"  
  
"Do you know anything?"  
  
"A little."  
  
"Muggleborn, no doubt," James muttered under his breath.  
  
"And what is so wrong with that?" a voice interposed, rich with indignation. A face appeared to match it, wearing bottle green eyes and the deepest shade of red hair - which, at the moment, seemed almost threatening.  
  
I caught my breath, wondering why on earth she felt she should defend me. Who was she, anyway?  
  
"Nothing, Evans," James replied earnestly.  
  
"I have a name, you know."  
  
"Doesn't mean I have to use it, does it?"  
  
Her mouth worked for a moment - evidently, she'd forgotten what she'd been arguing in the first place. A quick moment later, her eyes were narrowed furiously again.  
  
"There is nothing at all wrong with being born from a muggle family, and I better find that you don't give this boy a hard time about being - "  
  
"I'm not," I interjected - however entertaining the interchange was, it had to end sometime. "My dad told me what he could about wizards. My mum's the, er, muggle. I'm a half blood."  
  
The Evans girl quickly shot her eyes in the direction of her shoes in order to hide the redness rising up her cheeks.  
  
"Pretty nasty waste of breath, wasn't that Evans?" James whispered in her ear.  
  
She looked as if she could have ripped his hair out, but with her nerve for anger lost with embarrassment, she merely ran up the stairs to the girl's dormitories as quickly as possible, with James laughing as he watched her go.  
  
"That was really shallow, mate," Sirius said - a rather blunt way of breaking the silence, but nonetheless effective.  
  
"It was not," James replied, his eyes still on the staircase.  
  
"It was irrational, if not anything else," I managed to say.  
  
"She is, isn't she?"  
  
Sirius closed his eyes, a sure sign that the poor guy was hopeless.  
  
"Why do you call her Evans?" Peter asked.  
  
"That's her name."  
  
Sirius grinned. "And I always thought it was Lily."  
  
"That's funny," James said wryly. "I'd have to say that girl is the least thing from a flower that ever walked this earth. Bloody hell, she's vicious..."  
  
I found I had to disagree.

Though, it later turned out that my opinion meant little - if not nothing.

...  
  
Short, I know. There're only three memories written, so I'm making them chapters. The next should be up in a minute or two.


	2. Lost

November 29, 1977

...

I woke before opening my eyes. The sun had filtered through enough that the blank darkness had fled to give way to the dark crimson of my eyelids. The ceiling I saw was familiar to me - perhaps too much. I tasted a bitter potion on my lips, and felt clean sheets beneath me.  
  
It was another one of those days. Company only made me feel more alone inside myself. I got few visitors, as word wasn't supposed to get out that I'd been in the hospital wing this whole time. James or Sirius would come once or twice - dragging Peter along, of course.  
  
I could still remember the day I told them what I was. They more likely had to pry it from my throat, but it came out either way. Things changed after that. There were fewer questions, but far less answers. I still find myself a little anxious... you never know what they're thinking when they have to attack me every now and then to keep me in line.  
  
I was too violent last night. I could tell because the doors hadn't opened since I'd woken up. It was rare that the Marauders missed a visit, but it was always a sign that I was missing something. I must have missed that slip - I can't remember killing anyone. Who says I hadn't? It might explain the silence.  
  
I shut my eyes tightly in hopes of drowning this fresh wave of pain as I gingerly let my muscles relax. Taunting questions of self worth and doubt continued their endless circles - chasing tails, exploiting faults, picking apart any rational trains of thought to reveal emptiness inside them.  
  
Deeper in me, I let the potion's sting dull, allowing the subtle taste of blood emerge. I knew now I'd done something wrong.  
  
"Remus," a soft voice beckoned, parting my bitter thoughts into scattered nonsense.  
  
"No," I muttered thoughtlessly.  
  
The voiced laughed - high and rich. I choked on my breath in shock of the familiarity. All notions of dread and hatred left in one swift motion, and my eyes fluttered open.  
  
Eyes of summer grass were singing silently to mine. Lily smiled.  
  
"Hullo," I croaked - one syllable.  
  
"How are you?" I couldn't help but marvel at how eloquently beautiful her voice could sound when looking at my scarred face - without a flinch or slight waver. I wondered momentarily what she'd said to me, but I ventured a guess.  
  
"Fine."  
  
She sighed, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "You look - "  
  
"I look like hell, I know." I hadn't meant to sound so dry.  
  
"I only meant to say you look tired - " she began defensively, in a sharp voice reminiscent of the one she used constantly with James. Softening, she frowned. "Well, I didn't see James or Sirius leave the common room once this morning, so I wondered if they'd visited you at all."  
  
"They haven't."  
  
"Oh," was all she managed to say. I watched her until she dropped her gaze.  
  
I hated lying to her. She knew enough about me, didn't she? I was merely omitting details. She didn't need to know about what the others did while I was gone... But Godric, how I hated lying to her.  
  
"I also..." She faltered, sighing.  
  
"What?" I prompted.  
  
"I couldn't stand staying there. I needed someone to talk to - away from James."  
  
I smiled sadly, biting back the irony. "Him again, eh?"  
  
She grimaced gently. "You must know what I'm talking about." Bitter laugh. "I mean, you probably know him better than I do."  
  
I pulled my body forward, struggling to keep my face blank in order to hide the excruciating pain it took to sit up. Then again, it seemed to hurt more meeting her eyes. What to say about James... He was my friend - a true friend, without a doubt. But how could I speak so lightly of him when it took so much effort to keep from hating the idiot?  
  
How truly arrogant he must be to push her away - so perfect in every way. Could he not see how lucky he was? Could he not see how stupid he was? Could he not see how much I tired of hearing the same story over and over?  
  
Damn those green eyes - she wants an answer from me.  
  
What to say? What to do? Is she really worth betrayal... do I even have the nerve?  
  
"James," I finally said. "He's like a child."  
  
"My condolences," she muttered with a grin.  
  
"No, no, no..." I bit my tongue and forced a smile. "He's like a child in every way. Not just in that he's destructive, annoying -"  
  
"Irrational, whining -"  
  
I smiled. "Stupid, arrogant -"  
  
She paused to think. "Adorably evil?"  
  
"Sure," I said. "But beyond that - if you just let him tear everything apart, let him cause enough trouble that he wears himself out, he shuts up, and you - " I stopped, unable to finish what was sure to be my destruction.  
  
"What?" I was dismayed to see her so attentive.  
  
I no longer had the will to smile. "You see an inner innocence, like a child while it sleeps. You can't help but... but -"  
  
"Love him?" Lily interposed, smiling. She was no longer smiling at me, but more to herself and her thoughts.  
  
"Yeah..." I said, distracted by the way the sunlight played with her hair. "You can't help it."  
  
"Thank you," she said softly. It made me sick. Her words - her gentle, golden words were churning in my stomach, threatening to kill me if I ventured to dwell on them any longer. With all the strength I could muster, I fought back the miserable pain in my eyes to see her so beautiful - looking past me. I smiled the last time.  
  
"No problem."  
  
She left promptly. She even ran slightly, elated by her joy. Whatever joy it was, I knew I hadn't given that to her. It came from somewhere else... some wretched self-indulgent place I found myself too loyal to corrupt.  
  
Despite my calm complexion and impervious will to keep silent, I couldn't help but admit to myself that James Potter didn't deserve her.

...

AN: One more chapter... 


	3. Beyond Warning

October 16, 1979

...  
  
A slow murmur of water had reached my ears long before the rain had begun to pound. The water was beyond carving paths along my windows - it had reached its full extent, giving way to flurry of rage. I sighed inwardly, longing for some similar kind of release.  
  
But before all that had been the soft, slow murmur of water. Therefore, I couldn't blame the weather at all - it'd given me a fair enough warning.  
  
I nearly jumped when I heard my front door pounding. Upon opening it, my heart sank - yet I smiled again. "Lily."  
  
"Hello, Remus," she said cheerfully. She looked around her for a moment. "You won't make me wait out here with the rain, will you?"  
  
"No." I closed the door behind her.  
  
She brushed off her cloak, but kept it on. "I won't be staying long, I just wanted to let you know the news."  
  
"An owl wouldn't have worked?"  
  
She laughed. "Not entirely."  
  
"What is it then?"  
  
She smiled, ducking her head. "James asked me to marry him."  
  
My lips slightly parted, as I wasn't sure whether to speak or not. She'd killed me right there.  
  
I swallowed, hoping the rain would pound harder. "He did, did he?"  
  
She only nodded, eyes perfectly bright - seeing no conflict at all beyond her own joy, and my hesitant smile.  
  
"Why didn't he tell me himself?" I managed to ask.  
  
Her smile faded. "Well, he doesn't know."  
  
I laughed - empty again. "How could he not know if he - "  
  
"I didn't answer him."  
  
It was a cruel joy. The first time I felt a genuine smile inside of me, it was at a moment when I couldn't show it. I managed to remain subjective. "Why not?"  
  
Her eyes looked beyond me as she thought of him. I wished I could close mine. "It's so sudden," she said. "I mean, doesn't it take love longer than that for - for" Her eyes widened. "Does he even love me?"  
  
I wearily struggled to detach myself from my own thoughts, but found myself narrating them anyway - vaguely enough that only I knew what I was talking about. "He loves you, Lily. He's loved you as long as I've known him, which is as long as he's known you. It's sudden to you," I said. "Because you never realized it. But don't you think he's waited long enough?"  
  
How long have I waited for this chance?  
  
She looked back at me. In my eyes, for once, I saw hers. Couldn't she see me? Couldn't she see how wretchedly horrible I was? She'd seen beyond my monster before any one else could have even imagined to. Couldn't she see beyond this lie? She shook her head, smiling tremulously. Warm tears of pure bliss filled her eyes, and she touched my arm.  
  
"You'll come to the wedding, won't you?" she asked me, smiling the brightest I'd seen her than any of the times she'd been around James.  
  
Despite the years I'd waited, I found I'd missed the last opportunity. I'd missed it...  
  
"I wouldn't miss it for the world."  
  
I wondered how much more of this I could take. I'd felt my heart breaking before - every single time James kissed her. But never had I ever felt it tear like this - like an inward scream I could never let out for fear of dying along with it. Before I could feel any more pain, she jumped forward, wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek, crying.  
  
"Thank you, Remus," she whispered in my ear. "Thank you so much."  
  
I felt I could have cried right there as well, but for all the wrong reasons.


End file.
